i was ready to die
Fellow Introverts How to be Happy, Be Happy INFJ Meaning

I was ready to die, and then the Black Typhoid saved me

It was the evening of November 14th, 2017; I was sitting just outside my house’s front door, sipping tea cause it felt a bit coldish, can still remember that to be the happiest memory of my life when I just decided to die. (want to add that I didn’t just decide but I was ready to die)

I know you can’t relate to this, but here is the picture of the scenario just above the front door of my house. Soak it in.

The thing is when you visit a place like I was born and still live at the age of 25 is both very happy, fascinating, peaceful but full of talent eating environment.

Cause the name of my place is Called “LEH” & it is located in Northeast part of India. There are not many people and industries located, but the most settled thing is the peacefulness there.

My father was a drunk addict, and my mother is still struggling for us(me and my sister) to give us the life she wanted to live. In 2014 my father died due to liver failure, and I tried to look mature, but I was still 16. 

After that, I went for Civil Engineering and then hoped to get a life full of adventure that may also change the financial course of my family to a stable and rich one.

3 years went by, and finally, I got a degree from the reputed government college in 2017. And then the reality stuck with me. 

Talent is appreciated, but it still does not provide Pizza at weekends.

I was very good at writing; even I had a blog where I wrote about psychology stuff from time to time. From 1 day at home, it became 6 months in just no time; and there was no sign for any job for me. 

The thing is, I am an introvert, and I do not know how to cope with the commercial situation, even if I knew; I didn’t have the guts to give an interview after remaining in the home for so long.

And then, after sipping tea on November 14th, 2017, the reality hit me hard.

I was depressed; I didn’t realize it till very late, but I forgot how to smile and breathe, and even I didn’t know what happiness was. That I was almost 20 and still didn’t have any job coming my way.

That evening I decided that the easiest option for me was to suicide. And you won’t believe I had a talk with myself for like 15 minutes, and the decision was to jump from a hill to a deep trench only a mile far from my house. That way, I can still feel the final cold wind on my body, the wind could have traveled to the inner part of my being through my thighs, and the adrenaline along with the fear that I would have felt by jumping in a 250metres deep dry trench was something everyone wants to feel if they know that this is their last day on earth.

So, after all the decisions were made while sipping the tea when my cup got empty, the last thing was for me to decide the Day of the final Jump.

I felt a smile on my face after 7 months; the muscle that stretched felt like it was rusted. I didn’t want this feeling to disappear, and my decision already got the concrete it needed with the smile.

Before the Day of the final Jump

I was all ready, I started spending more time with my mom and sister. I started laughing, cooking, and even going shopping with them in the tiny market of LEH. But with the day coming to a close, I started feeling heaviness in my stomach.

I thought it was because of the doubts, but it all became clear when I got diagnosed with black Typhoid. Black Typhoid is the most dangerous variant of the disease. There are only 5 to 10% chances of surviving when diagnosed.

It was actually quite painful, too, so the doctor recommended my mom to admit me to the hospital’s special care, so she did. Finances were down to the last 0.1%, and I was the reason for that. It makes me hate myself even more. 

For the first day, I asked God to just make me die, but the first day when I was admitted to the hospital, I saw that my mom brought healthy groceries for the whole week. Now, I wondered where she brought that much and funded my admission to the hospital for the whole month.

I didn’t ask for the answer but still got one: 

She sold her last jewelry and even her mobile phone, and everything changed. In those 9 seconds, I decided that the “Final Jump” gotta wait. Cause I needed to do something more meaningful, I needed to get my family back on track.

After that, I didn’t even remember how I made my cousin lend me his laptop, and in 3 months, I was earning $400/month just by blogging on Introvert Meaning.

Whatever will be will be: that’s what I learned from all of this. Now I am working hard, have my ambition clear, and the confidence is reaching the universe. 

But the Final Jump is still on: with a parachute from a plane, which won’t result in death. SKY DIVING

Tell me, did you learn something from “I was ready to die” or not. Till then, Love you guys!

Recommended Posts

Leave A Comment

My title